Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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