somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
