oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize