The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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