omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
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