Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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