I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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