im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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