bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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