i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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