They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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