I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
