We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
