every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
