can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize