Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
