wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
