I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
