Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
