you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
