I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
