i need an iv and a liver transplant
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
