Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
