On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
