I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize