i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
