The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize