That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
he quoted the bible to break up with me
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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