My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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