i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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