well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
