When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
