My liver just broke up with me...
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
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