does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Randomize
