bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
