You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
