I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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