That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
