Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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