Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Randomize
