I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
