I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
