She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
