it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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