Swine flu. Run for my life!
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
