i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
