she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
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