I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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