I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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