So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
