Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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