Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
