so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Randomize