people are starting to question the shark bite story
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Randomize
