I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
