Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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