omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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