I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize