That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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