just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
