Who did Billy Mays play for?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
